Wine time, Prosecco time, Gin Time, should stop being glamorized, seen as sexy or essential, when it starts to be a need rather than for fun. Being taken advantage of by a bottle is heartbreaking and listed below are some of the reasons why we did it, such a cruel scam, because we thought and believed, it would help with so many emotions and challenges. Sadly we can’t imprison this trickster but we can start to see it for exactly what it is, before we pour the first glass. It is one of most insidious drugs on the planet, just because it legal doesn’t make it absolutely fabulous.
We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and woke up tired.
We drank for strength and felt weak.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for courage and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make conversation easier and slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
About 15 years ago, excitedly getting ready for a holiday with my beloved late husband, I went for a fake tan. It was before the very quick fix of spray tans, so the lovely beautician, my life saver as it turned out had to massage the tan into my skin. We were talking, normal, random chit chat, when she went very quiet, and seemed to be concentrating intently on my left breast. I jokingly said that I didn’t think that there was enough bulk in them to take so much time, smiling, she answered and very gently said, ‘Sarah, when you get back from your holiday, please go to the doctor, there is a little lump here, and best to check it out’.
I was not at all bothered, thought it would probably go, I was sure that I was peri menopausal, and of course with the trait of most people who have had enthusiastic careers with alcohol and other drugs, we tend to be very good at denial even though I had been off the sauce for some years, that particular attitude was still firmly in place.
So wonderful holiday and down to my husband nagging I did go to the GP after we came home. I loathe wasting time, and most especially that of the over stretched NHS, and still blindly I was thinking, it will be something or nothing, no history in the family was as fit as a fiddle, the GP examined me, and without any hesitation told me that I should see an oncologist, it might be benign but she suspected it was a cancerous lump.
Back then, there was very little connection in the press or by the clinicians that wine could be a cause of this horribly invasive disease. Even when I was doing the Q & A with the specialist, not a word about alcohol, smoking yes.
Was I frightened? No. Was I angry? Yes. I was fuming, because I did know that there was a link between alcohol and many cancers, and that merely a few drinks each evening could potentially lead to this, so my anger was that it was damned unfair, after calling time, years before that I now had this to deal with. There was the chance that I was unlucky, but I truly believe that my drinking led to this diagnosis.
My treatment was impeccable and cannot praise all the staff involved enough. I am still here scarily for some firing on all cylinders, worked through the treatment as much as I could, and even insisted that my family or friends were not involved in my visits to the hospital. I wanted to own it, I wanted my health to be my responsibility, which might seem slightly odd, but I had for many years put them through enough agony with my drinking. That is another side effect of being an alcohol dependent, habitual, call it whatever suits, even at the darkest of times we tend to isolate ourselves, even when ill with more ‘acceptable’ issues, because of the past guilt.
The reason I am writing about this now, is with all the recent press on mental health and how much devastation it causes, it has made me want to be open about the emotional effects both to my family and myself that, bottling up my feelings, pretending that no matter what I was invincible, was not the way to deal with either of the mental turmoil I went through with a toxic substance that I used to escape from life latterly, or the physical illness that I wanted to keep so private. I would have had sympathy with the cancer, but never with the alcohol, there simply was no empathy shown at all, and at that time, I did understand why my loved ones were so incandescent with my alcohol habit. The word that sums up both was and is Stigma, and I hope that now anyone who feels alone, unable to open about their problems or fears, should, and not only to their GPs but their peers, their co-workers and loved ones. By doing so, they are not castigated or made to feel ashamed, but be supported and given appropriate care. They should be praised for their bravery, rather than act in the way I did, which was incredibly damaging to my mental health, and if I had still been drinking would more than likely ended up either six foot under or in no position to help anyone with their problems.
I told lies, I kept secrets, in my head, for all the right reasons, to protect others, but with no self-love I was badly affected by it. No one can or should be expected to carry this sort of baggage around alone. Today there is news on discrimination towards obesity, because it is visible, people do make assumptions of capability, however, even if we look fit and well on the outside I am more than sure that most of us would be so relieved to have in place an openness within society to not just gender equality, age and disability, but with problems that may have been brought on by the biggest gateway drug of all, alcohol. It seems to me to be the last bastion of stigma when we feel so frightened to be honest and open about it.
I hope that more and more employers, friends and family will try to see this honesty as courage, rather than women and men like me who took the wrong approach of an ingrained stiff upper lip.
For us our journey began with a concerned friend sending us the link to The Harrogate Sanctuary……
First thing we noticed was a program which included ‘couples’, this was our deciding factor to seek Sarah’s help. After sending the initial email to Sarah, she replied instantly. From that moment we knew this was our new journey.
Both individually & as a professional couple in the public eye, we knew deep down in our heart of hearts, that we had hit rock bottom and become dependent on alcohol, any form to get the ‘fix’ on a daily basis, which unfortunately took more & more every day to feed the tolerance levels we were now at. This was making a huge detrimental effect on our careers and family life, BUT the petrifying thought of an ‘AA/rehab’ type environment simply frightened the life out of us both.
So still in denial, but realising something had to change, and quick, we made the critical first step in contacting Sarah and instantly felt at ease with her amazing human rapport. This woman not only has a personal understanding of the SAD life we were living, but instantly connected with us as a guiding light towards the journey we were about to begin, to become free of the destructive drug, that is, ALCOHOL.
Nervously we had our initial consultation together via ‘FaceTime’… Can you imagine?? With modern technology, distance isn’t an issue, and we survived it with smiles on our faces, and so our journey began…
Sarah said she would ‘cluck’ on a daily basis, and cluck she did! This made us feel at ease and even looked forward to it! When we say ‘cluck’ this was directed in the most humorously caring way.
Our journey certainly had its peaks & troughs, but overall we can honestly say with commitment & a clear vision, that we are now free of the quagmire of doom alcohol delivers.
Sarah is now a cherished soul for us, words are inadequate to express the love we have for this amazing lady, much love always..
The first step is admitting to alcohol dependence…. Just take it from there, our love & respect to anyone about to start their journey to a brighter future… here’s to ’Team Sarah’ and here’s to YOU!
As the saying goes, a picture paints a thousand words, this one definitely represents the explosion in my mind, when alcohol became a very twisted and warped answer. What picture, video or even scribble, would describe your feelings and emotions towards alcohol or any other drugs for that matter, including prescriptive ones?