I was going to be all clever about writing this letter. I was going to write a poem, I was going to be witty and I was going to be unique.
Then I stopped and thought “why bother?” What have you done for me that deserves that kind of attention and effort? So now I’m not and I’m just going to stick to the facts as they have been and what I hope is my future without you in my life.
Things started to go downhill between us in my early thirties, so about 10 years ago. You became an easy crutch, a mask, something to hide behind and a release from other things that were too difficult and painful to tackle. What I wasn’t prepared for was just how once you’d got a grip, how that grip really tightened and things would just spiral. Things got worse when I had my children. You were an easy fix to the pressures of the modern age with two small children and my never ending strive for perfection. You made the voices in my head subside. However as time went on I turned to you more and more, with potentially disastrous consequences. Not just for me but for everyone in my life, including my children. How this never happened I will never know but I am truly thankful that it didn’t.
Oh how I did my best to avoid you. All kinds of crazy schemes and attempts. This must have been for the last five years. Until I reached the point where I realised it was no longer fun. Still I was filled with fear as to how I was going to survive without you. What people would think (my usual stance) and how I could continue with my life.
And now these near two months later, I see you for what you are. An addictive, soul and health destroying drug that has no mercy. That tears through lives and causes destruction. You take no account for personal circumstances or situations. You are relentless, you grind people down to the point where they think they are going mad.
Well not anymore and not for me. I want no part of you in my life any longer. My life, although tough at the moment, is so much better without you around. To the point where I can’t see how you ever featured in it so much.
I want to move forwards. I want to carry on being a good mother to my children, to see them grow up, to be there for them. I don’t want them saying “Mummy are you tired again…” when you have taken hold. I am just pleased they are young enough to hopefully forget that as they will never see it again.
So it’s goodbye whine and good riddance. No more depression, no more anxiety, no more foreboding, no more making me feel like I am losing my mind.
Thank you Sarah, thank you me, here’s to my life part two!